A Lady's Guide to Hunting Monsters

Dressing for Death: What to Wear to Stake a Vampire

theladyh — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 01:15:24 +0000

Now that I have enlightened you, Dear Readers, to the Ease of Vampire Hunting, you will naturally be Interested in the Vital Question of What to Wear.

The Proper Dress for Vampire Hunting is Most Important. I, for one, would never consent to Hunt without wearing a Dress with a high neck of re-enforced Woven Silver — silver, of course, being the bane of all Evil Creatures. With such a pure metal around one’s neck, one will remove any possibility of an embarrassing Biting Incident.

For color, I would suggest Black. Vampires are nothing if not Traditional. (Naturally, if one is hunting in the Mysterious East, one’s dress would be White, as that is their traditional color of mourning.)

Some “Ladies” have taken to adding touches of Red to their ensemble, but we can all agree that such a Vulgar Display of color is hardly necessary. One should attract notice with the Elegance of her Van Helsing Downward Thrust, not with silly red ruffles and bows.

(Image of Van Helsing Downward Thrust to Come)

Vampires: The Simplest Game

theladyh — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 20:25:59 +0000

Vampires. These Unnaturals are often considered the Princes of the Monster World. Indeed, unlike Werewolves or Zombies, these creatures possess Intelligence akin to our own which has led to their Reputation as a Dangerous Game to Pursue.

But my Precious Readers, let me tell you a Secret! For a Young Girl on her First Hunt, a Vampire is the Easiest Prey of All!

On the night of her First Hunt, all a Young Lady must do is pretend she is new in town then stare soulfully into the Distance. A Vampire will naturally be drawn to her. He will believe that she is The One he has been waiting for for all Eternity and immediately fall in Love with her. Once he is down on bended knee professing his feelings, the girl will be close enough to easily stake him through the Heart.

Then the Young Lady arrives at her debut with barely any Blood on her skirts, impressing all of the Young Gentlemen with her Dangerous and Fearsome Trophy, all the while knowing how very simple the Silly Thing was to Kill!

The New Essential

theladyh — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 06:44:48 +0000

Entry 20.1

Well, the Ball was not a total disaster. I’m pleased to report that while visiting my Dressmaker today, she shared with me that more than one lady has requested the hidden slit I include in all my dresses. Yes, my Dear Readers, your Lady H– has started a Fashion!

Personally, I recommend a sliver knife on one leg and a stake on the other.

The Dangers of a Dull Dress

theladyh — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 23:03:38 +0000

There are many things to consider beside which Monster to Kill on a First Hunt and each is Essential as the next if one wishes to make an Impression at one’s Debut.

The myriad of details to be planned for is likely to send a Girl and her Dear Mother into a frenzy, but rest assured, once the Monster is decided on, no Detail is more Paramount than the Dress.

Now, in these times, two dresses are often required. One for the actual hunt and one for the reception after, as no one wants to dance away the night in blood-soaked petticoats.

As each Unnatural requires its own specific ensemble for hunting, today I shall address the second gown.

After a Young Girl presents her First Kill (to the Queen if she is of the Nobility, or to her local Magistrate otherwise) she changes into her ball gown. It is this second gown that is often overlooked.

Indeed, I was speaking with a Young Lady this last week who made this very mistake. “Lady H–,” she sighed, “I did everything right! I vanquished a Vampire and Everyone said I looked Lovely while doing it, but I have not been asked to as many Hunts as I would have hoped.”

I thought back to this girl’s Debut. She did in fact handle herself with great Skill and Grace during her Hunt, but I struggled to remember anything about the Ball after her Presentation.

Then, I realized it was because she wore an insipid, pale pink gown cut in the most conventional manner. How she could expect anyone to remember her in that dress, I know not. The impression she made with her Hunt was washed away by the Boredom she inspired with her Dress.

Nevertheless, it would hardly help the dear girl now to point this out. I merely assured her that it was not the number of Hunts that mattered as long as she found a Gentleman to Love and Esteem.

Of course, without being Invited anywhere said Gentleman is likely to be a elderly Curate with six children from his first Dear Wife and a bad case of Gout.

In short, wear something memorable, my dears.

The Ball… Concluded

theladyh — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 02:42:41 +0000

Entry 12.1

Imagine the shock we felt when the Mad Beasts charged into the Ballroom! To think Werewolves would have the effrontery to attack such an Illustrious Gathering! Indeed, Lady A– remarked it finally proves their total lack of Breeding.

No one had any Long Range Weapons to hand as they rather clash with Evening Wear, but in mere seconds most of the Guests had produced Silver Knives and the occasional Small Pistol.

Yours Truly naturally had her knives drawn and was crouched in position before many of the other Ladies.

(I have specially commissioned hidden slits in my dress that allow me to reach through to the knives strapped to my body. This way I do not have to ruin the line of a skirt with weaponry, yet I can defend myself with Great Alacrity. I must recommend them as an essential to any Young Lady.)

A particularly ferocious Beast was bounding toward me. I held the Trinity Stance and met the Yellow Eyes without a trace of Fear. Moreover, I saw that Sir T– was engaged with an Unnatural nearby. Indeed, I was in his eye-line.

If I felled this Creature with my Usual Grace, he was sure to see! Think of what Connections would be afforded then! Imagine humble Lady H– Hunting with the Highest in the Realm!

But before I could sink my dagger into the hairy Throat, I was thrown to one side!

When I recovered (it was only an instant I assure you) I saw that it was my own Husband who had kept me from my Kill! In one swift movement, he plunged his knife into the Beast’s eye and thereby robbed me of my Glory!

I know, my Dears, that I am to Love and Obey my Lord H–, but I must admit I have never felt such a fury.

On the carriage ride home, I addressed him in the sweetest of voices inquiring as to why he would Humiliate me so. And my lovelies, he dared reply that he rather thought my Abilities to Protect myself and our Empire were hindered by the punch I had consumed. To Think!

I believe he suspected my Righteous Anger, because he claimed it was his Love for me and Concern for my Person that led him to his actions. But this was a paltry excuse, as well he knew. I suspected he merely wanted the Honors for himself and told him so. The resulting silence proved me right.

Naturally, I have avoided him ever since. Indeed, we have spoken not five words in the last few days.

The Ball… Continued

theladyh — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 19:41:01 +0000

Entry 9.1

Pardon my dears for the delay in my report of the Ball. I know you breathlessly await my observations, but I found I had a slight headache yesterday and elected to rest in bed.

Now, once you make your Debut, you will often be invited to Balls and Parties, likely none so illustrious as last Thursday’s, but nevertheless, you will want to know how to shine amidst all the other Young Ladies struggling to make an impression. Therefore, I present to you, My Evening at the Ball as a model for you to follow.

I attended with the Charming and Vivacious Lady A–, a Huntress from Scotland know for her skill with the Lancaster Pistol. Lord H– was naturally in attendance as well, but I’ve found that he rather detests such events.

Indeed, he grumbled all the day about the need for Evening Dress. More shocking, he did not seem to hold Sirs B– and T– in any awe whatsoever and called my excitement “a tad extreme.” I was most embarrassed for him.

We arrived rather early. I do not hold with the notion of being “Fashionably Late.” It shows little respect for your host and also, I find, it is rather difficult to get to the Punch once the full crush of people are gathered. The punch was most excellent that evening. Lady A– and I sampled several cups.

Now the key to these events, is naturally, to be Seen. It is at these Balls that Hunt Parties are often formed, so it is in your Interest to make an Impression.

The first step to this is Dress. I wore a Deep Blue gown spangled with White Stars. Indeed, I heard several remark I looked just like the Night Sky! My secret is to always dress in something that reminds people of the Hunt. I believe it has been indispensable to my Social Success. I overheard some other remarks, but I shall not repeat them here. Indeed, some ladies let their (understandable) jealousy rule their tongues.

Now, at this point in the Evening, I found myself rather Thirsty, so Lady A– and I went in search of more punch leaving Lord H– in a corner. Can you believe he dared to suggest that perhaps I had drunk quite enough?

Now, the next part of the evening is a little unclear, it must be because I spent so much of it a in a Social Whirl, delighting the likes of Mr. G–, Lady F, Herr K–, Baron R–, and the delightful Dame R– with my verbal stylings. All of the conversation made my throat rather dry, so I again went to obtain some punch.

But then, as I’ve sure you already heard, Disaster Struck. The Werewolves burst through the doors of the Ballroom and Attacked!

The Ball

theladyh — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 20:01:40 +0000

Entry 8.1

uugumfruphmmmmfroptff.

An Invitation Arrives

theladyh — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 10:11:54 +0000

Entry 6.1

Dears, I am back in Town! The seaside is behind me and I embrace Society with open arms! Already, my mornings have been full of happy reunions with Lady A–, Mrs. H–, and Miss R–! And wouldn’t you know, an Invitation was waiting for me as soon as I arrived.

Yes, that’s right, yours truly has been invited to Sir Bay and Sir Thomas’ Ball to celebrate their 1000th Kill! Sir Bay and Sir Thomas are, of course, the Legendary team of Hunters famous for innovating the Lupine Half-Roll so useful in bringing down Werewolves. The Ball this Thursday promises to be Spectacular, with all the Luminaries of Society in attendance. You may be sure I will give you a full report the morning after.

For those few unfamiliar with this Elegant and Effective move…

What to Wear to an Exorcism and other Pertinent Advice

theladyh — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 05:43:33 +0000

Now while I would never recommend a Ghost for a First Hunt, Exorcism is a handy skill to have. For one, next time you are invited to a Country Weekend and your Companions are bothered by the resident Ghost, you may dispatch it to the Netherworld with minimal effort and still have everyone up in time for Breakfast.

Think how grateful your Hostess will be to not have her guests perturbed by a Spirit! And she will surely mention your Skill to any Young Gentleman she knows! (Though, what sort of Hostess is she to not rid her Home before her Friends arrive? Surely none of my Readers would commit such a Crime!)

So, while it may not be the most Exciting of hunts, Exorcism is as Useful and Necessary a Skill as Needlepoint and Dancing. Now, I will not bore you with the particulars of Holy Water, Blessed Salt and Red Paint, of which you would undoubtedly be Familiar, I will instead move on the more Pressing Question, What to Wear.

In this matter, I would go against my usual Advice and go White. It’s so evocative of the Situation, don’t you think? Something Diaphanous and, if your are truly a Sartorial Artist, perhaps an inch to too long. A hint of Helplessness coupled with your Deadly Grace, will drive any nearby Gentlemen to Distraction!

Finally, there are those who Question the Spirit before Banishment. ”Why are you Here?” ”What do you Want?” “Who is your Killer?” This, I cannot recommend. How does a Lady of Good Standing know to whom she is Speaking? This Ghost could be Anyone! One has no Idea of Family or Breeding. In this case, it is always best to be safe and not expose oneself to Society one would not care to admit to one’s own Drawing Room.

Ghosts: Deadly Dull

theladyh — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 05:36:32 +0000

Entry 27.12

Still trapped at the seaside. I dispatched the Sea Monster early Christmas morning. The fishermen were deeply grateful, of course. I had hoped My Lord would be more appreciative of my kill but he barely noticed. One would think he would be glad to know that the girl he married does not intend to let her skills grow rusty.

Too many Young Ladies today think that the only reason to hunt Monsters is to catch a Husband. Not so! It is our Duty as well as the Men to keep our Country safe!

But my Lord and Master merely grunted when I told him of my exploits and turned back to his papers. Do I intimidate him with my skill? ’Tis true, on Hunts I rarely saw him make a kill, but I believed he was being polite and allowing the Ladies the Glory. He certainly looks deadly enough and in Training, I rarely see him miss a shot.

But I apologize My Dears, I digress. I don’t know why I say these things. Of course, I am Blissfully Happy being Married. Undoubtably it is this dreary weather darkening my mood and lack of Society. And of course the Ghost.

There is a Ghost at our hotel. Quite a common thing, but I do detest them so. There’s so little satisfaction when Hunting them. No body. No trophy. Just an emptiness and a damp spot on the floor from the Holy Water you used in the Exorcism.

Which is why one should never, ever Hunt a Ghost for one’s Debut! I shouldn’t even need to state this, but one never knows.

The year before I Came Out, I heard tell of a Young Lady who Hunted a Ghost. Of course, she showed up Empty Handed. Everyone said they believed her, and she Danced the night away in the arms of smiling Suitors, but there was always a hint of Doubt. From what I heard, she never Married and now lives in America.

Nevertheless, if that Ghost keeps me up one more night with its Wailing, I’ll send it to the Afterlife, no matter how Dull I might find Exorcisms.

I must look Fresh Faced for my Dear Husband!